the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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