There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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