My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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