You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
