so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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