Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
