i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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