how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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