Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Your cock deserves a montage
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
