You can't special order awesome
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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