oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
