you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
