Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
