This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
