Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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