i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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