just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Two words: blizzard sex
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
