genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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