I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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