You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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