the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
