His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
