You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
