Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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