and i looked up. we had an audience...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
