Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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