remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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