Porn is love you can see.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
