Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
