He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize