A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
