quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
