I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It was confusing and full of hummus
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
