also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just threw up on my dentist
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
