Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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