She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
