everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
