i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
