You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
