hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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