I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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