no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize