my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
