dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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