we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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