just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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