I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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