I can text with my tongue
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
