The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
