meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
