Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
