ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
