No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
