my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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