dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
