I'm so fucking centered right now
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
