She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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