I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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