first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
