its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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