i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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