my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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